99 Problems

Fighting seems necessary in relationships. Some people even think the more often or the crazier you fight the more passionate the relationship. I completely disagree, but I would wonder what was secretly going on in each person’s head if no fighting were to occur.

Most of the arguments I have been involved in revolve around trust and insecurity. To me those are very different things. I am a confident person, but I do have insecurities and on occasion trust issues.

I am not insecure about much. I am confident in who I am, and when there is something I don’t like about myself I work at changing it so I can be more confident. There are little things that if they were pressed at consistently I would be perturbed by, but then I would just go change it. I am fortunate that I am happy with the things I can’t do much about.

It is easy for a person to use the other’s insecurities against them. If I care about another person enough I would do whatever I can to tear those insecurities down and help her overcome them in anyway I can.

Some people find power and control in the other’s insecurities. They can take advantage of them  and blame them whenever it is convenient. They can blame insecurity as to why you do not trust them. If trust is an issue that comes up a lot you are likely prone to partially blaming yourself. Nobody wants to be labeled as being insecure and having trust issues.

The trust issues I do have, come more from what I have done and seen than what has been done to me. I have experienced being cheated on and there isn’t much that kills your confidence more than that. More influencing than that though, is that I know what people are capable of because of the things they have done with me. I am not proud of this, but I have been with numerous married, engaged, or otherwise spoken for women. I have been with almost as many “taken” women as I have single women (into triple digits).

The things these women have done to the ones they supposedly love is disappointing. As I said I feel horrible about it now, but at the time I looked at it as being their moral obligation, not mine. I have been with women I didn’t trust, so I know it’s possible for me to have trust issues. However, I have been with many others I trusted completely, so I tend to put the onus on those I didn’t trust, rather than myself. Convenient right? Some say trust has to be developed, but I go into it very trusting. I only start doubting when things don’t seem right.

I am a curious and investigative person by nature. If my instinct tells me something isn’t right I investigate it. The accuracy of my instinct is amazing. I am rarely caught off guard by something someone says. I usually expect whatever is coming. I can read people very well when I care to, so if I feel I am being lied I will look into it.

I know some people have deeper trust issues than is probably healthy. It’s not just on her to trust me, it’s on me to keep her trusting me and vice versa. If I know the person I love has trust issues I am going to cater to those needs. I know going in about this issue, so why would I choose to ignore it, knowing it can be a HUGE deal?

The way I keep her trusting me is obviously by being honest, but I never hide the little things that can build up. I think too many people try to cover up little stuff because they think it isn’t worth the hassle. But if there hadn’t been previous issues why will there be a hassle? If there have been previous issues then something that could have been little is now bigger because you fucked up.

I am a very stubborn and strong willed person. I do what I want and I have no shame in expressing what it is I want. If I want to do something I think my partner will “overreact” to I will tell her anyway. Being upfront is critical, but so is delivery. If some friends want to go to a strip club for someone’s birthday I will tell her I want to go. I am not asking if I can go, nor am I telling her I am going. This is my partner that I am dedicated to, so I am expressing that I want to go. I will also let her know that I will not get a lap dance or do anything inappropriate. I let her know that I know what her concerns will be before she raises them. I can do this and she will trust me, because I follow through with what I say. If I say I’m not going to be inappropriate I won’t. It seems obvious to never be inappropriate, but I recognize there are times when it is easier to be or more hurtful if I am, so I make it a point to express it.

Lying or hiding things is for cowards. “I don’t want to start a fight”, “it’s not that big of a deal”, “she’ll overreact” are all the bullshit things other people will say. There is probably a reason she will overreact or argue with you. If it’s not that big of a deal, don’t be such a pussy.

I used a strip club as an example, but I’ve never been with a girl that would care if I went. I only used it as an example because I assume there are a lot of women that would. Personally I wouldn’t care if the woman I was with went to a strip club, but that’s just me.

I would explain how I break the news when I fuck up, but I don’t fuck up.

“There may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.”

I wonder how many people believe in “the one.” I believe that some of us have fewer people out there we could happily spend our entire lives with than others. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying that.

I haven’t been much of a relationship person in my life. It’s not because I don’t want to be in a relationship, I just don’t find many women I want to be in a relationship with. I enjoy being single, but that’s because I have become accustomed to it. I’m not a bad looking guy and I am a conversationalist so it isn’t difficult to be single. However, there is nothing I like more than being around the one person I want to be with.

I know that to be fulfilled I will have to be married and have kids. I will not “reach” to make that happen though. I would be happier alone, than I would being with someone I shouldn’t be with. I’m careful to use the term “meant to be” as I’m not sure I believe in fate the same way others might. Some believe no matter what, a thing was meant to or meant not to happen. I won’t go that far, BUT I do have certain things I feel are meant to happen for/to me. That belief makes me strive for my dreams. I look at it is as these things will make me happy, so I’m going to make them happen; I’m meant to be happy.

I have been in two serious relationships and didn’t want to marry either woman, even though both expressed their desire. I had reasons of course, but in reality there was something holding me back, I just didn’t know it. My head was telling me not to do it, and my heart didn’t feel strong enough to overrule it.

For me I need my heart and my head to be in love. WTF does that mean? Let me tell you WTF that means! There are women my head tells me are perfect for me. I can list all of the reasons why she’s great and can’t really explain why I’m not into her. That unexplainable part is the heart. Hopefully we all know that feeling. The one where a specific person can make your day even if chaos engulfs you. The person you hope is texting or calling every time the phone vibrates. The person you would drop everything for to see for a few minutes. I hope everyone has felt that way before, it is amazing the effect someone else can have on you.

(On a side note, it seems people think the above is a bad thing, and that those feelings have to end. I think it is a great thing as long as it is with someone that is reciprocating and not taking advantage of it. What could be better than two people hoping every phone notification is from the other?)

It seems to me that often times people have a partner that occupies one of those two parts (the mind or the heart). I want both to be fulfilled and when they are that is my “one.” I want that feeling I can’t explain, but I don’t want to hear those little voices that sometimes come along with that. Those voices that tell you something isn’t right. I will know that she is right for me as well. I can say at one time or another my heart was in every relationship, but it just wasn’t in it enough.

Tell me if any of these situations sound familiar to you- it could be you or your partner that felt this way.

• You had treated your last partner so well and you’re not sure why you aren’t treating this one as well
• You can’t stop thinking about this person, and there’s only a couple things that, if changed, would make your partner/relationship perfect
• You love this person and they treat you amazingly, but you’re not in love
• You don’t usually have an issue committing, but you are finding it difficult to commit now

When I feel like any of those I know both my head and heart aren’t in it. I want to be with someone that makes me feel and act my best. I am NOT incapable of feeling how I did with my first love. The fact is I didn’t want to marry my first love, my heart was fully in, but my head told me it wasn’t safe. I have never and will never regret that decision. The person I marry will capture my heart as she had, but she will also capture my head. There will be no doubts, I will never question if she is the one. In fact I know, if she’ll have me, I’ll be engaged months after we begin dating.

Nobody can convince me that is irresponsible or delusional. I have been around too many women, and had too many experiences to not know when it comes along. I will never grow into wanting to marry someone, I will know very quickly. I am particular, then very aggressive when I see what I want. I know what I want doesn’t come around very often, so when I see it I will do whatever is necessary to get it. This also means I view it as a final commitment. For me the longer it takes me to think about marrying her the more time I had to spend talking myself into it. I will never marry someone I have to talk myself into marrying.

I may very well stay single my entire life. Just because I feel this way about someone, doesn’t necessarily mean she will feel the same. You may notice I end every post with: “there may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.” There is nothing keeping me from feeling this way about someone that doesn’t feel that way about me, is married or there is some other instance that would keep us from being together.

Marrying the wrong person seems like one of the biggest mistakes I could ever make. If I am lucky enough to find the person I wrote about, and we get married, then divorced, I will have no regrets. I have never regretted doing something I knew was right.

“There may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.”

When I was in my early 20′s I really started to get into older women. This was around the time MILF was entering everybody’s vocab and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher started dating. Obviously those assholes stole my thunder.

My reasoning was simple. I was mature for my age. Actually in a lot of ways I was more mature then, than I am now. Also no matter what you think of me, from reading this, these are my thoughts. Maturity is usually perceived by how I act not necessarily how I actually think/feel. I digress, I felt I wasn’t meshing well with women my age. I thought I could date older women and they would be more stable and know what they want. Essentially I thought they would value my strengths more than women my age would. A lot of the women around my age that I was meeting were in a “crazy” stage. They were acting like they were single for the first time ever. A hard break up followed by intense partying and possibly a lot of drugs and sex.

I enjoyed nights out, and went out all of the time. I’ve never been into drugs, and I really hate sleeping with a woman I think is slutty. I know that is a characteristic some people look for, but not me. I like a challenge, not a sure thing.

I assumed if I went older I would bypass that crazy time in their lives. Unfortunately a lot of the women I was meeting were crazy in a different way. They knew what they wanted, and had been hurt in the past. They were obviously still attracted to the bad boy image if they were into me, but they could see that I was also a really good person when I wanted to be.

The problem was NOT the pressure of them wanting kids and marriage. That’s the easy answer. Honestly though if I had been into any of them as much as they were into me- or the idea of me- I would be married (and possibly divorced) by now. The issue was I was never into any of these women enough to put up with the cheating accusations, the insecurities, the future plans, and quick pace of the relationship.

I will say I can handle ALL of those things when I want to. If I am into you I think I will help you with your insecurities, you would trust me 100%, and I would be right there with you making future plans.

The older woman phase of my life ended in my mid 20′s. My attraction to some older women hasn’t ended, but the immediate appeal of just being older is gone. Part of it was a lack of real connection with any female that age. Another part of it, even if I don’t want to admit it, was the general acceptance of the older women and younger men relationship.

What was once fun because it was different had become mainstream. I would never stop doing something because other people enjoy it too, but we can all admit there is allure in something different. Even more than that I had become annoyed to no end by the cat names (cougar) that women were being referred to as.

Parents joke that to get your teenager to stop using a term, all you have to do is use it yourself. Maybe it’s true, because there is nothing more off-putting than a late 30 something calling herself a cougar.

The appeal to me had always been that these older women (and I went as high as 52) had no idea how beautiful they were. They stayed in shape, but not to wear clothes their 20 year old daughter wears. They had fun, but not by going to a club on the reg. The appeal was they weren’t 21 FUCKING years old.

Yes there is something very hot about a gorgeous mom, but guess what, it’s not because she’s a mom, it’s because she’s hot. I don’t feel that society stole this wonderful thing from me, it probably would have ended anyway. I just don’t understand how everyone could completely misunderstand what made certain older women so hot. Instead of emphasizing the uniqueness that comes with age, they reverted and thought it was their time to be in their 20′s again.

“There may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.”

My hypothesis is that nobody can change me, but I can change for someone. However, I believe this change will never take place during the relationship. The change would have to take place within me, before anything happens between us.

I am not saying no women can change any man. I will only say that no woman can change me. A typical scenario may look like this: I meet a woman and am into her. I treat her well at first because it is new and I am happy. As things progress I treat her differently… poorly. It is so simple, it is because I am not happy. We have a talk because she wants me to be who I was, and treat her how I used to. This is very understandable, however it is unrealistic.

I cannot focus on how I treat her. I cannot force myself to be considerate of her, or think of her in the ways and at the times she wants me to (or even the times I want me to). I either think of her or I don’t. When I am thinking of her and treating her right there is no effort or force. It should be completely natural, not something to focus on. When it becomes a chore, it is over.

I may use an excuse that I am unhappy due to outside factors. This may be true, but I can say right now, if I truly felt strongly for her, my feelings for her would make me overcome that. I would still treat her well because I value her more than ever.

There is a reason I’m not treating her right. Neither her nor I want to admit it, because it’s not easy. There is obviously a part of myself telling me I do not care, while I tell myself I do. I tell myself I care, I tell her I care, I even tell everyone else I care, because I really think I care! I even ask myself why it is I am not treating her right.  This isn’t a voice inside my head telling me I should leave, it is just the part of me that always wanted to think of her is gone. This relationship may not be over at this point, but it should be. It will never be right.

Eventually we fight because that’s what happens when people don’t treat each other well. I say all of the right things because I mean them! I seriously mean every word I say. I’ll explain that I don’t know why I do it, work has sucked, a family member is sick, or whatever I may have going on, and I shouldn’t take it out on her. She believes me. Not because she is gullible or ignorant or because I am just that good. It is because I believe me and because it is true. When I’m saying it, I absolutely mean it.

I won’t change. Not in the long-term. I may change for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. I can only hope one of us is strong enough to end it, because the relationship should not continue.

We will break up… aaaaaand probably get back together- but that is another topic for another day.

“There may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.”

I do not consider myself a simple man. I change a lot, therefore what I want changes. I am not happy “drinking a beer and watching the game” when there is so much more out there.

For the most part I am content with being that way, but there are certainly times I feel simplicity would be so much… simpler. If I were to ask 100 people what kind of person they thought I was there would be a huge variance. Is that how it is for everybody? Some will say I’m sweet, sensitive, loving, and loyal. Others will say I am selfish, cocky, emotionless, and a total asshole. The thing is I am all of that and that doesn’t make me fake.

I’m not saying if EVERYONE says you are nice, that you are fake, I am just saying there is no way I can be that nice to everyone all of the time and be real. I treat people differently because I feel differently about them. I do sometimes wish that I could just be one way towards everybody.

This is especially true when it comes to women. There are some I have mistreated in the worst ways, yet others I have treated like a princess. The obvious difference is that some I care about and others I don’t. Some people don’t have the ability to treat anyone poorly, but I do. It doesn’t mean I will treat everyone poorly, or that I can’t be amazing to you. It just means I have it in me to be a complete dick or Prince Charming depending on my feelings toward you. I don’t think this is a rare trait, but I don’t want to speak on behalf of other men.

What I hope to achieve through this blog is to chronicle my emotions and feelings towards/associated with women. My goal is that instead of trying to understand men or women as a whole, we focus on the individual. I do not have the same habits, desires, expectations, or characteristics that many of my male friends voice. I do not want my partner to understand men, I want her to understand me.

“There may be someone for everyone, but that does not mean they are one another’s someone.”